Grief And Bereavement

Def: Bereavement is the loss of someone through death.

Everyone experiences loss and grief but most of us assume that these losses will occur when we are older, not when we are students. Sadly, this isn't always true. So in addition to dealing with all of the normal stressors of being a UCLA student, many have to also deal with the loss of a loved one.

While each person is unique, there are several bereavement issues that students typically cope with:

Disbelief- Not being able to fully grasp and accept what has occurred. Regret- These are the "what ifs" that are often a part of the grief process. People often feel guilty about what they did or did not do. "What if" my father hadn't been on his way to pick me up?" "What if I had told my sister that I loved her in our last conversation instead of arguing?" "What if I had known how to do CPR?" Anger- This is a normal and typical reaction to an important loss no matter why the death occurred. But it is more pronounced when the death was due to a suicide or homicide. Reordered priorities- Sometimes a loss allows us or forces us to rethink what is important to us. Difficulty with concentration- This is a difficult component of bereavement especially for students. Some temporary change is to be expected. Sleep Disruption- This can include difficulty falling asleep, sleeping too much, or nightmares. Changes in family dynamics- After a death in the family there are sometimes profound and painful changes in the family dynamics. Sometimes the person who died filled such family roles as the mediator, the breadwinner or the nurturing one. Sometimes conflict erupts in the family and a person needs help dealing with it. Feeling that friends don't understand- This can lead to a sense of isolation and sometimes falseness around friends. Concern about physical well-being- If the death was due to natural causes, people can become concerned about their own physical health. There can also be personal safety concerns as a result of the death.

WHAT TO DO?

There is not one "right" way to go through the grieving process, but usually people need three things: Skills, Support, and Time.

Skills- Put off major decisions. Write in a journal. If you have a religious affiliation, pursue it. Be compassionate with yourself. Set limits with others who are asking too much of you right now or who are not helpful. Know your limitations. Understand that all of the reactions listed above are normal. Let yourself cry. Exercise. Eat well. Talk to your professors if you need special consideration right now.

Support- Talk to friends and family who are supportive and avoid those who are not if possible. Don't be concerned if you feel the need to talk about the same things over and over. Join a bereavement group. (It really helps to talk to others who are going through the same thing). Professional help might also be indicated when you feel stuck.

Time- Time by itself will not usually resolve bereavement issues, but resolution cannot come without it. Be patient with the process.

Some Suggestions for Concerned Friends/Family-

Continue to talk about the person who died. Don't act as though it didn't happen for fear of upsetting the grieving person. This is especially true on holidays and birthdays. Continue to ask how they are doing, how they are coping. Give them an opportunity to talk. They will probably be reluctant to bring it up on their own after a while. If you don't know what to say, just listen, give them a hug, tell them you are thinking of them, or tell them you don't know what to say. (The honest response is often the best response). Don't change the subject if they mention the death. Learn more about the grief process. Don't say "call me if you need anything"; just call them on your own. Avoid cliches and easy answers. Encourage them to seek counseling or to join a grief group.

UCLA The Counseling Center offers individual bereavement counseling and grief groups.