Keeping the above in mind may help you to understand the struggle that parents go through. Their distress will have an impact on how they relate to you. The following are some things that you might find helpful when communicating with your parents:

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH YOUR PARENTS. You can often set the frequency by calling (or using other means of communicating) at intervals that you set. You can also do much to set the conversation agenda and feel more in control.

LEARN TO LISTEN AND CLARIFY. We often react strongly without really listening to what a parent is saying. For example, a parent may inquire about your health. Among the many ways of interpreting this seemingly straightforward question may be as an expression of concern, an inference that you are incapable of taking care of yourself, or a challenge that you are unhealthy or ill. Rather than reacting based on an incorrect interpretation it may be helpful to ask for clarification by paraphrasing what you believe your parent is saying or feeling in the form of a question. "Are you saying. . .?" or "Are you feeling. . .?"

LEARN TO USE "I" MESSAGES. Sometimes we are prone to making sweeping generalizations, particularly when angry. For example, shouting at a parent, "You never listen," may be an authentic expression of feeling, but it does little to foster effective communication. A better approach might be to insert an "I" before a message and deliver it in an open, non-blaming way such as, "I feel hurt and angry when I think you don't listen to me."

AVOID SENDING CONFUSING OR DOUBLE MESSAGES. A common complaint of young adults is their parents' failure to recognize their independence. They feel they are often treated as children. Sometimes a student's message may actually perpetuate this "unwelcome" dependent parent/child role. For example, if you insist you are fine, but then give an elaborate and hair-raising description of your ailments, you may be giving the double message "I'd like to be taken care of." It is important to be aware that certain messages may be set-ups and result in unwanted responses from your parents.

SET REALISTIC GOALS FOR YOUR COMMUNICATION WITH PARENTS. We often enter into a discussion or argument with the objective of changing the other person's point of view. This goal, which may seem reasonable, is often unattainable. No matter how persuasive our arguments, the other person may hold firmly to his/her beliefs. A more realistic goal for communication would be to accurately express our feelings and not to change our parents.

GO EASY ON YOURSELF. Even in the best parent/child relationships there are bound to be communication failures. Sometimes the guilt we might experience may be more painful than the actual misunderstanding. When and if this occurs it may be helpful to remember that parent/child relationships are perhaps the most complex of all and that effective communication is a two-way street and a shared responsibility.

The above suggestions cover just the tip of the iceberg and may offer little help to those who continuously experience their families as problematic. In these instances, a consultation with one of the staff at CAPS might be advisable.