Adult Children of Alcoholics

When one member of the family is an alcoholic, the whole family suffers.

Approximately 9.5 to 12.5 million children in the U.S. under the age of 18 are living with an alcoholic parent. As difficult as it is to estimate the actual number of alcoholic families, it is even more difficult to estimate the number of children living with parents abusing other drugs. Yet, it is clear that altogether these children represent more than 25% of American children.

These children live in an atmosphere of anxiety, tension, confusion and denial, often having no idea of what a normal family life is like. This atmosphere breeds anxiety and tension which are magnified by the family's code of silence: what ever happens in an alcoholic household is kept from the outside at almost any psychological cost.

Children from alcoholic families often use a variety of coping roles to survive. Some get sick: headaches, upset stomachs, insomnia and depression are common medical symptoms. The role of "scapegoat" or "problem child" involves getting into trouble in school or developing a learning disability as a way to draw attention away from the alcoholic parent toward themselves. The "mascot" puts on a facade of being carefree and tries to minimize or deny problems at home by clowning and joking. The "hero" or "caretaker," often the oldest sibling, becomes a surrogate parent, supervising the other children and running the household. Often these "heroes" become super achievers, doing extremely well in school, jobs or athletics. There are many "heroes" on college campuses today. Still another role is the "lost child" who fades into the background, becoming withdrawn and isolated, first from the turmoil at home and later, fearful of people in general. These are the most common roles portrayed by children in drug abusing households. Yet, there is considerable overlap between these roles, and students might find themselves displaying characteristics of several during the course of their lives.

Regardless of which role, the children of alcoholic parents are dealing with psychological pain by denying their parent's problem drinking. Instead they feel that the fault is with themselves. They may downplay their emotions to alleviate psychic pain by becoming numb toward their feelings and those of others. But sooner or later these children pay a price, sometimes not until later as adults.

The strategies used to cope in childhood often don't work as well when the child grows up. There are an estimated 22 million Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA's), and the emotional scars of childhood are often carried into adulthood by them. Some ACA's throw themselves into their work to gain control, feel good about themselves, and/or to fill an internal void or emptiness. Some develop addictions to alcohol or other drugs, or compulsions about food, gambling, work, sex or sports (although it is not a foregone conclusion that ACA's will have drinking or drug abuse problems). They frequently have problems with relationships or have difficulty getting close to someone. Sometimes they get involved with other alcoholics or unstable individuals in an attempt to "rescue" or help them to succeed as spouses or lovers where they "failed" with their parents.

ACA's need to identify their problems and the role of the family's atmosphere in their development, asking "how has this experience affected me and my relationships". Often the guilt feelings and the family code of silence prevent an ACA from being more aware of the impact their families have had on them. By better understanding yourself and your susceptibilities, potential problems can be addressed and the support of others can be enlisted. Few adult children of alcoholics have shared their experiences with other ACA's. Group and individual counseling is often the first opportunity these adults have in understanding how their current life and their past experiences with an alcoholic parent have strongly shaped their personalities and present behavior. Clearly, concepts such as trust, intimacy and betrayal are important issues that evolve from childhood experience and affect current peer relationships. But ACA's can work to minimize these effects, and should know that relief, reduction of guilt and better control over themselves and their future is possible.